he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
