I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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