I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
