I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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