Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
you had me at cake vodka
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Randomize
