By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
