from now on my penis is your penis
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
