Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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