I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
