I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
You are a genius and a whore.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize