dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
