i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
