apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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