It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
