the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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