my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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