all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
