the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
