have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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