You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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