so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
He felt like a one man threesome
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
