She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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