i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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