How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
