He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
