New invention idea: vibrating tampons
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
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WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
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Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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