my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize
