I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
All the doctor said was why
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
