well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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