Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.