After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
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Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
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On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.