his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
