i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
