So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
well you can't waste a boner
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
