I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
