That's when you crack a 10am beer
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
