oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
