ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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