This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
