I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
You had me at "let me see your balls"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
