If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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