Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
this hospital has no fireball
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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