if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
