so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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