I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
