At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
operation have a gay friend backfired
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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