he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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