There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
