is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
