my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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