so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
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