well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
