He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
