NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
