stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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