Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
