Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
