I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
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